Shiver (English)
by lari malakian
Summary: I started to condemn myself every time I thought we had no future – why not? If we had gotten there, what could stop us from moving on, from going beyond that? Nothing, would be my answer then. Now I know many things not only could but actually prevented us from following this path. RL/SS


**DISCLAIMER: the characters and the universe where they live belong to JK Rowling. I'm no more than a mortal playing with them when I can't sleep.**

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I remember exactly the feeling that ran through my body the first time I saw it in your eyes. The shiver began on the base of my spine, slithered to my nape and from there it spread to my arms and legs and it only stopped when it reached the tips of each of my fingers. It was delightful and terrible at the same time. I knew it was an awful idea. I knew we had no future, zero perspective, null hope – and yet I allowed myself to go with it. I dived into you like I had nothing to lose. If it is true that we all carry both light and darkness inside us, maybe I have seen the light living inside you, maybe you have seen the darkness resting inside me – but for a brief moment we were one. And we were amazing together.

It was Halloween's Eve and I was already showing the symptoms of the arrival of the full moon. I was exhausted, irritated; I had slept very little but had made myself wake up at the usual time to arrange the classes of the week. The symptoms would only get worse from then on and it was better for me to plan everything I could while I was feeling relatively fine.

The school was decorated for the Halloween party the next day and I couldn't ignore the memories of my student years. Each corridor reminded me of a different moment of my youth, each room bringing up a different recollection. It was a strange, heavy day. Cold winds went through the school and despite wearing a cloak and a scarf I felt like I was being closely followed by my private cloud – a feeling only worsened by the presence of Dementors all around the school. The recurring memories, instead of making me feel comfortably safe like they used to in my good days, that day they only saddened me, anxious and with a persistent knot in my throat.

But deep down I knew what it was: the next day there would be 12 years since James and Lily's death and it was the first time I would spend that day not only in a place full of memories of them and our other friends, but also I would be close to their son. Maybe that was why that night I tried to attach myself to anything that could remind me of them, of our school times, the old times. I felt this need inside me but I hadn't yet recognized it for what it was, and then I heard someone knocking on my door. That was when you entered.

You were there only to fulfil your part of the deal: bringing the Wolfsbane Potion to me and guaranteeing that I would be slightly lucid and hence able to control myself during the full moon. But something else entered the room with you that day. Your usual curt greeting, just by enouncing my last name, while walking straight to my desk to leave the smoking goblet over it – that day it awoke something inside me. And it was by instinct that I responded the greeting, but with a sweet voice and saying your first name. Severus.

You noticed the tone in my voice and I believe it frightened you at first. Your eyes promptly sought mine, asking where was it coming from, that sweetness, that warmth in my voice when speaking the name people were used to say coldly.

And then it happened.

Our eyes met and that sensation ran through my body and I was ashamed of looking at you in that way: ashamed of desiring someone I was used to dislike but that now was doing so much for me, as if I owed you something: you help me being lucid during full moon, in exchange I feel attracted to you.

But there was no denying: whatever it was, it was there: the air was electrified, my eyes resting, lingering in yours. The shiver had already reached the tips of my fingers and they were prickling. This feeling lasted only until they met your fingers, halfway to giving me the goblet; the touch felt like a shock and both of us felt its discharge. I stood up, willing to expel that emotion from me; I walked away from you, thanking you for bringing me the potion, but you interrupted me. And it felt good to hear for the first time in my life your voice saying my name, my first name, wrapping it up in something delicate, like a robe of silk. Remus.

I turned around and we faced each other for a while; to me it felt like seconds, but it could have been minutes, hours, or months; I don't remember what happened before I felt your arms around me and my mouth in yours. We kissed with an enormous urgency; we knew our lifespan was too short and we needed to enjoy each millisecond we could spend together.

But even after everything that happened, I shall never forget that first night.

I remember each and every detail: how I slowly unbuttoned your robes, and yet you wouldn't let me take them off; how I broke our kiss when my hands touched a large scar on your chest; how you asked me just by looking into my eyes to ignore this and all the other scars I saw and I obeyed, kissing you again; how you were clinging tightly and urgently to my body, as if you had been longing for that for a long time; how, despite our past, we weren't embarrassed to look into each other's eyes even if we chose not to say anything; and how I slept in your arms, your cold and soft skin against my face, my arm around your waist.

I woke up alone in Halloween, disappointed but not surprised. You definitely were not someone who would drag whatever happened at night to the next day. But you didn't avoid me. We saw each other sometimes in the corridors and you behaved as usual, like nothing had happened; as if I had not dived myself inside your body just a few hours before; as if you had not looked into my eyes, your own eyes burning; as if we had not given ourselves completely to the other.

But that same day you were there again to give me my potion and I wasn't alone. Harry was there with me. I noticed you looked at us in a different, curious way, even irritated, and I asked myself if it was possible that you had gone there to sleep with me again. And yes, you had. You came back later that night. And the one after that, and the other, and yet another. We yielded ourselves to the other for months on end and created a bonding we had never had before; we erased our pasts and I loved you. Yes, I loved you.

I started to condemn myself every time I thought we had no future – why not? If we had gotten there, what could stop us from moving on, from going beyond that? Nothing, would be my answer then. Now I know many things not only could but actually prevented us from following this path.

I saw bitterness in your eyes when you found me with Sirius and the boys in the Shrieking Shack. I saw that you thought there was something between me and him and I tried to explain myself, but you wouldn't listen. You were never reasonable when you were upset. I know that's why you exposed me at breakfast that day. I understand that – and I forgive you.

Oh Severus... why everything had to be this way?

That night I really saw you, deep down, or at least I thought I had. We had all of us and then none. What could stop us from moving on? Everything, would be my answer now. Everything. Life.

But nothing will ever take from me that first look we shared.

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 **A/N:** This was my first oneshot and also my first slash fic. I had never really thought about this pairing (since I'm very enthusiastic of Wolfstar stories) but the idea came up and I decided to write it down. Hope you had a good time reading it :) It was translated from Portuguese and the original version is here: s/12439943/1/Shiver


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